Please stop trying to kill me. I’ve wracked the depths of my brain and I honestly can not come up with a reason as to why you wish me harm. I trim your limbs when they turn brown, I leave you to let cardinals and finches nest in your branches, I even give you water on hot dry summer days. So why the hate trees?
Every year we go through this. This itchy throat, watery eyes, sneezing, coughing, even headaches (dammit now I sound like a Pfizer commercial). How do you even have the ability to knock us down like this? What evolutionary benefit could this possibly serve? To add insult to injury I was feeling awesome before you put your demonic plan in action. The sun was out after weeks of rain, it was finally getting warmer, life was good trees, it was good. I even got in a workout routine again, thinking maybe just maybe I would be little more in shape when pool season came around. Then the symptoms started to set in, my head started pounding and I was tired, just so damn tired. Not even coffee can save me from the hell that is this suffering.
I mean I understand, reproduction and all. Hey baby look at my stigma, I know you want it. Hint hint nudge nudge. Why must I get involved in this though? Wait, are you just super into the group voyeurism thing? Ugh, now I’m just disgusted. I want no part of this, you do not have consent! I feel very used right now.
Maybe you’re just bored. I mean it can’t be exciting never seeing anything but the field or woods you grew in. Were you watching me on the running trails jealous and plotting. What, are you stuck at the development of a 12 year old boy? Like, he he he, hey tree friend you wanna fuck with her? I know! What can we throw at her? I’m sorry you can’t move around but I DIDN’T MAKE YOU THAT WAY! Why must you punish me for your misfortune?
You and I aren’t cool anymore trees. I’ve been left wondering if M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” was actually a prophecy and not fiction at all. Crap does that mean water adverse aliens are headed our way too? Can they also be susceptible to tree attacks? That might at least buy us some time, slow them down, probably. I am left to consider how many death by tree attacks are documented in the US each year. I can only imagine the number is staggering. It’s a national epidemic people.
You’ve won this round trees. I’m going to sit inside and look out the window longingly, plotting my revenge. Where’s my Claritin?